Reflecting on consistent regrets. Trying to explain to those who say they love me or call into question why I deserve that love. One should never have to subject themselves to this degrading discourse. Love is given in the moment, the rolling of a single tide. Certainly there is time to grow in that depth and breadth of adoration, but it is not thing of qualification but faithful resilience. I am sorry Lord for loving people in a superficial manner, perhaps waiting for the things I have established they are supposed to perform for me before receiving that approval. Perhaps it seems wrong because there is something wounded about it behaviorally? Perhaps it seems wrong because this feeling is conviction for not learning in the chastisement of God’s Hand?

Knowing how this feels I am mindful of treating others in this fashion that may hurt and make uncertain those who I have been sent to encourage. Look, there is no requirement to love me or anyone, everything that God has set before us is enacted by choice. Therefore, our choices demonstrate the interior and character of the heart and spirit. We ought love as He does, without condition and when we find that we do not love someone in that manner then we should not toy with them or drag them through the mud of our non committal decisions of circumstantial conformity. It just isn’t becoming. Those meaning all who I have been sent to love should simply feel and know that love as God Commands and I want to share.

Rather be a poor man with some respect than a rich man who had to beg to find a position in any family. This is not about me all the time but the people who I have been sent to love and perhaps demonstrate a courageous example. How will I respond to God if I repeatedly am shown that I let people give me half love or on again off again dismissal of my offer for faith, growth and cooperation? It is not a pretty look and it certainly has provided for many long days in history struggling with people who for whatever reason are clearly looking for something other than this Pastor. I am not in charge of you but I am in charge of what I volunteer into. It is hard to ask people to stop declaring their love when I myself never felt love but rather some unspoken set of expectations and performance criteria.

Will not hide this light under a bucket. There will be those who see the light and want to work with it however dim or comically inhibited. Family is not about approval. Family is about dancing with those you came with, watching their backs and never leaving especially when things get really difficult. Perhaps that is the measure of real love the people who when you show them your worst, or your impoverished, talent absent moments they stop, and love you nonetheless in spite of those inadequacies. Perhaps love is just that a hope that God and the shared love are the two things beyond sight that will deepen, grow and foster the love in the face of someone perhaps not being lovable. I do not consider it failure for you to admit to yourself that I am not good looking enough, smart enough, tall, short, wealthy or deep enough for your expectations. That is okay to decide. It is also okay for me to say I don’t want to measure up.

It is made worse when both parties have good hearts but one or both are caught up in predetermined plans or objective that place demands on each other to conform, perform or act according to a script outside of who they were meant to become by God. It is torturesome but also logical to test if someone will sell out to gain something outside of God’s intention. Nothing outside of God’s will for each believer is going to make us truly happy. Especially those relationships, people or circumstances that consistently require us to be someone other than who we are. I am not eschewing the need for growth and change for they are also healthy in their capacity to develop each person. However, love and family should be few of those things are so essential that they don’t need to be constantly questioned, especially by Christians who find it their foundation.

Not to say that difficult circumstances never work out, but Love shouldn’t be this hard. It should be a cooperative comfortable feeling allowing and supporting both parties to be loved for who they are right now and a promise to love them when they grow and change. I am not in charge. I have no magic right or disposition to tell you how to live your life or how to approach love, but I am not happy. Although happiness is not the be all and end all for a Christian man it is one of those criteria that cannot be long overlooked. I cannot make decisions for other people and I certainly find it demoralizing to convince people of my adequacy of candidacy as a Pastor, Man, Friend or Mate. I will never be alone and perhaps God will bring some people into my circle who will find in me the truest, reliable Brother, Son, Friend, Colleague they have always desired to know and grow with.

I never want to fit someone into my psychological cut out. I never want to dance how I think someone needs me to in order to fit into that profile. If it ain’t natural then a large amount of energy will always be expended not on furthering the relationship but upon always trying to appease the other persons projection. When I meet you God says love you. He didn’t say to me I am giving these people so that you can badger or conform them to your desired persona. Equally, if you have made it clear that I am not what you are looking for as Pastor, Friend, Brother or Family member then I will move on and allow you to find those qualities in someone else fully accepting that not everyone was meant to like me or choose me for those important relationships. It is okay. It is all going to be okay. God knows His plans for each of us and I refuse to try and fit in to a manuscript that is not of His writing nor honoring of my own.\

In scriptural relationships the interactions should be based on Scripture not on emotions, expectations or rule sets. That committed foundation may never be successfully overlooked with the expectations of seeing our way into long term productive, faithful God honoring relationships. Not that emotions or thoughts are not important but they must be subdued/surrendered before the Word and Will of God Always for that is the only conformity God fearing people should pursue. The test of my love for God is my obedience and He tells me to love my enemies. How then should I be loving my family? There is no small regard for the quality of Love that I give someone should be just as awesome as God first gave to me. And I assure you at that time I was truly unlovable but totally in need of it.

Do you? Still in the green dark, smokey air fills my lungs. Laughing in the quiet of the crackling sky. The ground shakes, hugging it until my vertigo resides. Yes.

Small regular gulps of air standing on the run, zig zag, passed the copse of grass diving into the pond beyond. Much cooler the broiling air above. I take my time on the bottom finding soft mud beneath my boots, slippery in wait.

Sitting upright well into the night, not quite dawn, soon. The pillow just as bark to my back. Thankful that this time the dream ended abruptly.

Too many times I had wandered the desert night in cold crimson rain awaiting morning flower. Cactus heart and rattle snake mind long ago forgotten the world’s promise of false love and camaraderie.

Knives, shields and hollering shouts of do this, get over there and find out where that is coming from. Too bold and stupid to stop the madness, I shatter the dark with a massive burst of heavenly light.

Flight, fear and anger at the power of life and the shouts of angels against the wiles of night’s resolve. Gone for another morrow. What hope remains shines upon the faces of lost men.

A glow, too soon to know what comes at us from the edge of the horizon’s grasp. Whatever it is moving too fast for eyes to follow. We don’t wait around, knowing better odds in the forest.

Thankful for the pain in my shoulder and side, certain I’m alive and eager to find some healing before next sundown. What food we have is eaten as we silently make measure of each heart.

All too sudden the ocean crashes about our feet, no ships in sight, only drifting hulls and spirits gone. Upon forever we pray hoping that this is the moment when we expected the return. Swimming to the breakers we tie ourself to reef awaiting the even tide.

Started to think then thought better of it. Having reconciled nothing to nowhere I sat down and listened for any good advice coming from inside. Nope, no austere voices of wisdom in there. Perhaps I will wait a day take a trolley down town, maybe I will meet up with someone important. And if not just follow the path of least resistance until God or good luck catches up with me.

It is always going to be alright. That doesn’t sit well with the plans and focus I had in my head or heart, but I never was promised to get my way, not even half of it. Good things come along even when we are so convinced that we have no hope and the path of victim-hood has reserved a seat for another day of complaints, regrets and unmet expectations. That’s the best part of failure.

Wished for a moment that she would get a message from God and drop the pride and fortress walls inviting me to reasonable attempt at a good lunch and conversation. But to no avail, I have made much better jails than this one. At least I can get my arms free to wipe the combination of sweat and tears from my left eye, it stings a bit. Boy I get why God said it is not a good idea to hang out with yourself too long or too frequently cause that guy has very little good to say and horrible ideas.

No, it has always been my specialty to charge right up the front of the mountain take a good one across the chops and then throw my opponent of the waiting deep fall and grab a handful of snow for nightcap. A little spit of blood into the snowbank and on to another escapade. Sure wish that problems could be resolved by quiet conversation every once in a while. Doomed to melodrama.

Punctually illiterate. Set a watch ten minutes ahead and always seem to arrive at half passed nine anyway. Feel good about the whole thing and know that though it hurts real bad right now that something will come along to challenge me enough to stop thinking. No ammo left and being as I seem to have forgotten how to spell, I give in to exhaustion and lay down by the roadside. Maybe this night of sleep will take away the pain in my side let alone the hunger.

Days go bye. Night’s carry on. And streams always seem to be headed downhill which make decisions a little easier. Nothing to forget and a lot less to remember. Flowers saved and diamonds sitting somewhere waiting for someone to acquaint them falsely with forever. Smiles, giggles and plates full of cornbread and spicy beans. There are things worthy of remembrance in this pathway to forever. Thank God I got a chance to get a taste for life.

How does someone say “ain’t never” and truly expect that people will get the gist of its meaning? What does it really mean when someone declares an impossibility as fact, fully knowing that though miracles happen some things are just simply understood? Effectively collectively agreeing that some things have no expectation of occurring. The ugly, poor man with low IQ just never marries the princess, no matter how many romance novels tell us what we want to hear. Not saying that odds as high as billions to one do not occur but they are always associated with a recognition of intervention by a higher power.

I have accepted God’s anointing for my life. Therefore living my life for the sole or reserved purpose of wealth, fame and self-glorification objectives is right out. In fact, even dedication to the sole support of a large family without God’s subsequent provision of the pathway to providing for them is as possible as grabbing a ghost or a handful of helium. By nature my dedication is to my first love, God the Father. And not a simple dedication but a vow to give all my: heart, mind, soul and strength to that effort as to NO ONE ELSE. Having a spouse that would take this central position reserved for God alone is just not going to happen and would in fact short circuit that classic dedication to the anointing offered and accepted.

Being a world class athlete as a younger man was achieved. Pursuing higher education and winning awards for few of the highest available honors was achieved. Great achievement in the work place and high pay was achieved, but those were all undertaken as a worldly man seeking to make the mark of this temporary lifetime. None of them compare to: learning from a senior citizen the secrets to a life well lived while exchanging support time for wisdom, helping someone escape addiction to find Jesus as the Cross and locate their purpose, seeing the innocent saved from a position of persecution to flourish in their safety or loving someone for no other reason than they too are beloved of God and worthy of His gifts.

It must be acknowledged that all those who have been called by the Lord have experienced dreams, wants and pursuits that some point became competition and points of decision with God’s Calling. Many relationships have been challenged, jobs abandoned, material things surrendered and dreams placed in the cupboard for the absolute joy of fulfilling a God given purpose that had very little if anything to do with those carnal pursuits. Vows of marriage are sacrosanct and life lasting. Very few of the prophets appeared together with their spouses if they in deed ever made that connection. Even Moses’ family took second place and never made it to the promise land rather dying with him in the desert. These facts make worldly pursuits unlikely, intangible and perhaps unwise for the man or woman of God’s Calling.

That having been said nothing is impossible with God. For those of you who find the right mate to experience the fullness of shared, combined purpose it may be the greatest gift God could ever bring you, but we must understand the unlikely opportunity for success without such commitment to put God first and together Love Him with everything a couple may muster, intentionally, endearingly, completely. So can’t ain’t never but it is wise to proclaim that it is a thing of very small margin, probability and likelihood, governed solely by God’s provision, protection and promise. That having been said, ain’t looking is a more appropriate term, because in that commitment comes an agreement that whatever God’s give you in the calling will be His will not your own. In fact, these instances may be the greatest tests of that allegiance and challenge your full commitment to the Lord’s will. So, Choose wisely and consider putting your personal dreams, desires and want upon the shelf of Godly Service.

Thankful for this radiant heart. Grateful for each trial, each soul engraved on spirit’s memory. All have been worth it, teaching, tugging, changing and providing opportunity upon pregnant moments. None of you will be forgotten, especially those who took their turns seriously, transmogrifying my topography, outlook and tomorrow.

Gypsies all headed somewhere beyond this present. None were meant to stay because this station’s gone to passing. Visitors, some convinced that they will beat the harbor master, sailing vessels beyond the blinded seas into unknown days of event horizon. But we all knew from beginning that this is a one way ride.

I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but for that wretched pain I am indebted, Teaching me that Divine love never leaves our ship’s lurching. Walked on the waves towards His waiting smile never once feeling or regretting the trials I had yet facing or days gone bye that got the best of most of us.

Mitts the size of madness, grasping desperately at controls for which their is no manual. Speeding up or slowing down to take curves and hills as if hell has no prisoners. We will walk away from the bombs that you’ve been setting. For the mooring saints have driven goes deep enough to find the Rock.

Sand and passing pleasure measure the moments that shall be forgotten. Like youth they pass away almost unnoticed until the bones goes creaking and the lusts lose pleasure. Conquering ourselves instead seeking dominion in this world. We sought to hear once more the tales of love and unrequited dream.

But this too was so caustic it left marks deeper than the mantle. Looking inside only smoke but something lived beyond the fire’s reach. And I am forever grateful for the push and wind to sail forcing me on to midnight crossing in reaching twilight’s left to wonder and mountains beyond the making.

We too Loved and left our thoughts and hopes on the field of battle but the war was won before we even fought it. There is no shame but the one for not trying, crying tears thick enough to stop my footfalls upon the skinny path to oceans of glass, crimson and singularity. Where everything goes onward. Tally Ho.

Failed again, no effort reserved, another opportunity to watch Him make something where I merely stumbled. Love may not be attempted only made real in the face of all resistance. There are no one’s and zero’s, no breaths counted.

Numb and inconsequential. Fires and boson retarded inches from target mass. How then does life flow abundantly through this fiery heart? What, are we no longer the products of our struggles? Are thoughts simply wasted time as progress unimpeded?

Urging my indifference to reconcile at the Right Hand of God. Twain Chosen, amply overjoyed at kneeling at the edge of forever. Welcomed into something into which none would have me selected. Proven true in the living love of God.

Sorry, I never came close to the role I chance accepted. Trying forever more to be something I never was. Taking care of marching time and wet ropes frayed in fever. Whistling tunes that no one knows as if the child all had forgotten.

Disappearing record of admiration and ignorance. Stamped feet and painted eyes making war for lack of romance. Looking longingly at the picture that once was painted. Displayed for wanton eyes and pledges we once muttered.

Bitter, unpleasant, a taste I never asked for or invited. Still the smile upon my lips tells me of something beyond who I have been. Lonely, the bond with intention and the truth about courage especially when absent. This present form neither seems resilient nor strong enough to make it. Torque unresponsive. Believing myself stuck my tears spell God’s name upon my cheek.

Where to when I cannot move? From when to when as all time passes from my reckoning? What purpose, certainly beyond my own as I fail upon fail in my own reserve and expectation? There is no choice but to leave all burden, attachments and false repose behind, dragging the anchors of humanity and mortality behind me leaving the land scarred and my hands free.

Sccccreeammmm as power touches my heart to flame and I burst, forgetting self, history and even my own name. What was I and what is yet to come? Nothing may taken on this journey for none of belongs to me in this time and dimension. Those memories and treasures were made for another place, one I must now leave in the pain of my restructuring. No authority.

Comfort, at once found in the simplicity of not being responsible for that over which I know no power. Clutching nothing, want for nothing, content in the capture of the manuscript before me and the purpose of this new thing, new words and the cleanliness of thoughts and pursuits forgotten. Maybe some day I will be reacquainted with those things of the man I was destined to stop being.

Devoid of confines, enriched by endless and mobius connection from quintessential to sublime. Leaving mastery of nothing to workmen of the unknown. Free to catch a star and leave it to foster the growth, warmth and simplicity of surroundings yet born. To fall for a prank and find that ground where you were always meant to be, floating on a mountain beneath a sea on top of a reality I have yet to see.

The taint is real and seeks to change, bind and rid your opportunity of standing this life for God. The Lord proclaimed the prophecy and the enemy knows the most important thing in this quest for power is to stop the chain of birth and rebirth through Christ.

From the outset, the children of man, or to be specific the seed of the woman was in danger. Each of them must be paraded, lured and conquered by their sin for power, lust or leisure and brought in to the dungeons of sin and judgment for death is the only cure in Dominion.

Over and over man were led into their own destruction, choosing death for personal gain, eschewing the promise of redemption, repair and everlasting for the fool’s gold of this temporary life. But there were those few who please God and kept their blood pure.

Methusaleh knew when his time ended that all false blood and tainted man must be swept from the Earth and having seen his grandson labor for one hundred twenty years he knew that mankind would be redeemed in the ark of Christ, the yet torn veil, the coming twain man.

It will be as the times of Noah our Lord said. In the times of Noah, the world population had to be wiped out as it was no longer human, the bloodline having been tainted by Angels creating the Nephilim. Noah and his family were the only people remaining “pure in their generations.

Where are we now. In that same time where all efforts of Dominion seek to taint our bloodlines, do away with those “unwanted” or even gain the right of prima nocta to impregnate those who would be human with tainted or strange flesh as the time of Sodom and Gamora.

Why are those who “take the mark” incapable of salvation? What is mRNA? What is double helix DNA? Why are there two strands of DNA each with 72000 proteins totalling 144,000? Why does this signify the signature of Mankind and also the method to taint humanity by adding strands or PROTEINS to the strands?

This is not some utterly complex story that we are told to confound our minds and test our IQ. This is the Bible that seeks to explain to all that God Loves us and how we are to endure with the Seal of the Holy Spirit to the end of days that is clearly upon us.

Walking slowly through the dream. Interpreting what little I may gather, finding places meant for greater men to sit and rest a bit. In the sandals of the Lordly I prepare. Having left behind any compunction or profiteering from the wisdom given freely.

What launch my boat has found? What standards bear, what monstrosities undone? Who determines nobility when bloodline and behavior are greater moorings to things that spin the universe? Who says what being complete has always been about?

By all right and embossed ribbon presented they have pronounced us lesser men. The dawn having prepared the few to look down upon the many. What blessings counted rare are frequently offered for the telling of our own tales?

Where do all the greenest grasses grow if not in the pleasant moments of my own belonging? Is satisfaction always beyond the next fence or better argument having proven the days are wanton? By nature I include the beloved in the moments precious.

They tell a tale of a forgotten man who was never known but they tell it with such fervor. Regaling themselves with words lived by other men, yet made weighty in the quest to make hearts feel wonder and passion, believing themselves included in the sky above the Maker.

Not inclined to be anywhere at any time or day I find the pleasure of simply walking, calmly through the things of spirit. Dandelions no less impressive than the finest crimson rose. What scholarly rag tells people of my mastery in things they cannot understand?

I alone may make this road amazing. Two may ride and ten follow but only one may make the hope real and the pain a trusted partner. The process is the end and beginning. To find the gold among the garland and the coal when dark is gone and light beckons onward.

How do we adequately explain the multiple subjects and veins of today’s Global Correction? Why is it taking such a long time for the forces of light to turn about the cancer and corruption that seems endemic to the entire world of nations? Why do all of these changes run concurrent with Biblical prophecy regarding the end of days? Why won’t people simply see the reality before their eyes that is so simple even children proclaim the truth in clarity?

What happened in the Garden? Adam disobeyed as his wife came to him having been deceived into believing that by eating of the forbidden fruit that she and her husband could be like God Almighty or even above Him. What drove her to this deception? What made the choice for Adam to disobey God and lose all that He, They had been given? Why is today’s worldly belief that “Knowledge is Power” the same deceptive belief that trapped Adam and Eve into diminished life for all man kind by releasing Sin and Death into the world?

How has the history of mankind mirrored the manuscript of this continuing battle between the “Earth Dwellers”, powers and principalities inhabiting this world and those of the Coming Kingdom of Christ Jesus promised as end of these current historical ages? This being a blog and not a book we must compress history and accept certain assertions to arrive at a conclusion in the coming minutes to avoid the days/week it would otherwise require to investigate the entire story extending thousands of years.

We must first accept that it is clear in understanding the two specific trees mentioned in the Garden we see the clash defined. Although most will remember the fruit of the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil they rarely remember the Tree of Life which was also present. It is clear Adam and Eve had to leave the Garden having eaten the first for it they ate the fruit of the Tree of Life they would have been caught forever in their sin without opportunity for redemption. God had mercy upon them and predicted that He would provide the answer to their dilemma via the seed of the woman.

Having been expelled and the gates protected by powerful angel, Adam and Eve were sent into the world until the prophetic revelation of God’s Lamb would take away the Sins of the world and usher in the Kingdom without end. Yes, this too would mean the judgment and punishment of the fallen, but the greater hope is that all who found themselves in sin would now have the Choice to find grace and everlasting life. Choice as we all concur is the guiding principle to real love as Love must be made by choice. That choice, forgive me for the simplification must be between the offerings of this world and The Kingdom to Come in Everlasting Life. It is possible to reduce this to that simplistic component. As, Satan promised Jesus Himself in the desert the gifts and bounty of this World.

Now to this day. There is nothing new in the world. We are simply looking at the same struggle between the Empire awaiting its king the anti Christ and those having been born again by God’s Holy Spirit awaiting the King of Kings and Lord of Lord’s Jesus Christ the King. Two groups waiting for their leader. One trapped into the temporary wins/losses of this world and a coming false god and the other: forgiven, redeemed to God Almighty, born again by the torn veil and the twain man having freed them from the limitation of the original struggle against sin and death. We simply believe ourselves unique as we believe the words of the world that we are an evolved species prepared for something transcendent.

What comes next is the evaluation of our current dilemma wrapped within the clarity of our present understanding that it is simply more of the same with a lot more tech and shrouds of the lies found in those seeking knowledge as he answer when it is simply a tool. Let us have chat about the circumstances armed with that wisdom and we will see that the same simple truths asserted at the outset apply as before. It is time for man to become awake or choose to incline themselves to a dark deception that will greet them and keep them in their separation for God and those inclined to eternal life.