If I had a quest it was never for you to follow me. Once you’ve failed at this life, repeatedly and been cast out philosophically, physically by humans who find your failure irreparable, the rest is a cycle of learning that means you and His Holy Spirit. For most humans who still seek some achievement or this world goal will find you odd and unnecessary to their lasting Dreams. I get that and love doesn’t mean I get to dislike, judge or convict you for those decisions but rather thank you for the look and wish you well in your pursuits.
That does however, as I have painstakingly observed bring to an end any hope of attention, popularity or reward in your current list of expectations which match the projection. No matter how hard I struggle to fit inside the box, I unfortunately may only reside for brief moments at best for I was reborn not to fit with the confines of this world’s paradigm. I am here to have compassion on some and pull the others from the fire with fear of God’s coming Wrath and judgment of those remaining in this jungle’s law.
I wish that I could sustain both parts of a relationship but yet the rules and regulations that govern this one do not allow, recognize nor require my input. To remain I must play a role, not one of my choosing though it may be maintained for short periods. However, wax things always; melt, decay or are at some point revealed as artificial. I seek Truth and have increasing difficultly of playing any avatar role for purpose of material acquisition, relational acceptance or insurgency into camps from which I permanently departed.
You do you. I am sad that we cannot be close for the effervescence of good family, friends or mates is something desirous to soul and person. However those pursuits are false and make me feel corrupted, dirty and secondary in my role, all things which are contestable in the pursuit of God’s Righteous Reign. I don’t want to remain in the law now that I have been set free, so unless something is ORDAINED by God chances are it keeps me wrapped in the trappings of a man expired and reborn by the Seed Of heavenly Gospel/Spirit.
Will I miss all of you absolutely. Does it pain me to lose any good person who chooses other than me, sure, but the reward is Love, for which I serve Christ Jesus. I want you to achieve the pinnacle of possible existence and that is only found in the interaction, love for, surrender and continued residence in the Gospel and God’s Spirit. Why would I ever find it reprehensible to turn someone loose to follow relationship with the King, especially as Pastor when I know that He is the only one struggling with the flesh through completed law?
This is not about how many people love me in this life time, it is about the people who love me in Christ Jesus and thus can stick with me as I do with them throughout this march to eternity. That is why I don’t seek or sweat assistance in this ministry and resist those who may possibly have some Cain, Balaam or Korah objective in their pursuit to best or dominate me through works, sin or provision. That is why in my weakest moments as immature Christian God directed me to fund this ministry entirely. I was not ready.
Not to say that now I am grand measure of a greatly improved man but I have felt the pain of my own sin in grace and the subsequent separation from God it invariably produces. The reason I am no longer going to sweat conformity or acceptance is because it demands that I step outside the overwhelmingly awesome relationship I have with God the Father, Son and Spirit. I cannot trade or dishonor that gift for any other reward even the best people on the planet. So I wish you the best and if it is God’s Will His greatest blessings upon you. If it is not His Will then I wish for you sufficient conviction and separation that calls you permanently back to Him. In Jesus’ Name. I pray the same for myself every day now.
