There are terrors beyond my own fear. Waking in the moment absent God is my greatest. My dreams cannot calculate that which I never was meant to understand. Into each episode I am injected bringing my fears with me. Hopefully my fear and doubt never get elevated to position of control stealing from me what God has prepared and sent me to wait upon in Peace.

What is in this heart? Can we truly list the things in which we believe? Or is the path that is walked by each man the proof of his character. For I may say something, believing entirely when spoken only to arise in doubt, will or change to find I did otherwise. We do not set out to disobey God but often end up so doing. I live to do that which is in my mind not find out I have out-distanced my own ability to perform.

In truth I find my weakness. Not in shame or disbelief but in the focused truth of reality and admission. I am not afraid of my failures for they are successes when viewed in the complexity of time. It is my own arrogant will to disregard the possibility of my weakness that leads me into making larger mistakes than the ones I was instructed or found by accident or experience.

It is in humility that a man finds God’s support, not in the hubris of believing oneself prepared for the those experiences sent our direction. I don’t know what I am going to do until it is performed. I may practice a dive, dance or effort one million times in perfect performance then fall and fail miserably on the day of my trial. Therefore the secret in miracles is to do the preparation and then wait for God to show up in the victory of the moment.

I am not guided by fear, not by naivete and stupidity. What I will do will be known when I do it. If you believe me dark character capable of claiming that I serve God and then doing evil when given that moment, I fear for you. These are the moments that God has given me in forgiveness and rebirth. To be transformed and rise above the water birth where I embraced and sought doubling of my sins. These are the moments for which He is preparing me to shine like the diamond I’ve become, a man born of God’s Spirit reflecting the love of God within him.