You told me to go away, I requested to stay

you said there would be absolutely no way

Respecting your will is haunting me still

With an innocent kiss and large bitter pill

This short time I have left the porch light still on

Sat still in the moment, as the pain not yet gone

Weirdly enough though unpleasantly tough

I knew that I had never loved you enough

Whether fear or experience I stood at arm’s length

Expecting the worst and not trusting my strength

See pain is no friend not really that bad

Better than hanging around and making you so sad

Never claimed to be perfect nor good at this stuff

Promised Love and endurance through thin and the rough

For I’ve seen the great heights and from many have fallen

My psyche so bruised and heart big and swollen

I guess it was smart in protecting that heart

Separating from you before forever we’d start

But love is no prize when chances not taken

Whether good at romance or simply mistaken

I tested your patience for self-righteous reason

Knowing that life is such a short season

Now that we have space, things tidy and neat

With me in my work boots and you in bare feet

It’s oddly quite strange that you continue outreach

A contact with mail or to hear God when I preach

And today you touched base as you struggle with sin

Too stubbornly distant to let me back in

But the sin was my own when I played with two hearts

Disassembling machinery and inspecting those parts

So okay if you will and okay if you ain’t

Too careful with color in the works that I paint

I’ve toyed with my God and messed with your heart

Never taking so seriously that we would soon part

But came as it did never late or too early

It pesters my heart and makes my belly all squirrely

We struggle with things as people often do

Who is more right whether me or its you

But the premise was real and based on the Spirit

And I am glad I came close enough to see us both hear it

Too old to be worried or have ants in my pants

To young to withdraw without one final dance

So I put on this outfit and I’m singing this song

Not really that short but a little too long

That you will find peace in whatever God brings

Worship His Word when each little bird sings 

To say I’m still here most would ask simply why?

When all that you’ve offered is an extended goodbye

Sin, Abstinence or marriage. The Struggle within self often takes the form of sexual impurity. The quest to subdue, relinquish or fulfill the sexual urges of the mind, eye and flesh only subside based on which one of these three original avenues chosen in the struggle.

Each of them requires additional struggle but two have the assistance of the Holy Spirit while the other only offers confession, repentance and forgiveness in a dangerous loop of Repetitive Sin. The greatest difficulty is that those who practice the sin seldom are close to Christ and after time this recurring practice quenches the spirit even to the point of not being heard by God. Worse yet being turned over to a vain imaginary ideal that this behavior is somehow justified, leading to a darkened heart in that adapted world. Then finally being turned over to reprobate thinking now wishing to see those around you follow the same sinful practices. None the less the absolute sorrow is the yearning although lessened for a moment pesters, lures and captures again and again until it consumes the sinner in hopelessness, despair and shame.

Abstinence though difficult requires making something beyond self urge more important than the will to fulfill it. However, abstinence for the dedication to consecration before God receives great reward in service to the Groom of our expectation. This reasonable sacrifice honors Him and the saint. It does however require enormous dispensation of self-control not often found in humans. For this as with sin is also a choice that pesters and complains, challenging the body, mind and spirit to the battle between flesh and spirit. It is however a worthy endeavor that when confronted by the believer in Spirit leaves a Saint unspotted by the iniquities and desires of this world. It will however make each saint a mark for the enemy as tainted this saintly person appears great reward to the reprobate mind. This is a thing done in the Spirit of God. Praise His name.

Finally, we are confronted with the most difficult but perhaps the most rewarding of the three; marriage. This allows both people to appreciate the yearning of the flesh while fulfilling in a prescribed Biblical manner as the party of a union before God. Although it is not easy the benefits and absence of guilt in the practice of safe sex with one’s wife or husband is covered commitment before God and justification in His Command. It may in fact provide the greatest bastion from the pestering flesh. However, this may also be used improperly and end quite frankly worse than the first two choices. For this requires allegiance not only to God but to spouse. It requires an enduring effort to keep the peace and biblically reside with the partner of commitment and it is for the length of each person’s Earthly existence. This ought never be entered simply to fulfill the lusts of the flesh for within that union resides the commitments of love, care and sacrifice that many do not realize until after the wedding.

All three are addressed in the Bible. One thing is for certain this life comes with it the urges consistent with the flesh, pride and eye. These carnal impulses will at some point require action consistent with choice of fulfillment either through immediate gratification, enduring faith or committed union before God. We all are in this same struggle some with lesser degree of urgency. The rub is that not all know Christ and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise with whom they may face resolve, patience, love and self-governance. Those in Christ will find conviction against sin of those caught within it. The only thing that governs or dissuades sin is a fear of the Lord, without which each human is destined for eternal separation and punishment of those sins. We all face the struggles of this life, most with this very issue. Again it is always choice that is the common factor governing resolution or capitulation. I pray in the Name of Jesus that He guides and aides in your choice.

In forgiveness cleansing reveals, refreshment, change and the peace that transcends the credulity and cruelty of circumstance. Ten reasons to remain in this estate. First of which a certain curiosity of purpose to see the train and its characters coming round the bend. It is altogether daunting and enjoyable this not knowing, but knowing that whatever it is that I do not know will shortly and certainly come to pass. There is comfort in this.

Thank you for not settling. Thank you for seeing beyond the parameters of my garden. Thank you for placing my heart and love to test. I now may reside peacefully naked and unashamed, sorry for the mistakes but grateful for having remained obedient. I never could do what was before me and thankfully have again acknowledged that the things of God must be completed by His power. My only authority is commitment. The will to surrender the desire to run and rather stand in Good Courage knowing that what God has ordained shall come to pass, regardless of equipping, treasure or talent, which will logically always remain in scarcity.

If it was not of God then it would not have happened and this good that came from it would equally never been revealed. I thought one thing and it turned out to be another thing. The only saving grace that all along I watched for God’s Will and surrendered to the absolute certainty that I was never good enough and always good enough. The sweet spot of faithful understanding. This hurts, but because it hurts I am closer to God for having walked in surrender to that painful understanding. Mistakes were made but there will always be mistakes in every enterprise or undertaking. It is always in reflection, cooperation and reaction to mistakes that success or derivation is found.

There is no guidance here but righteousness out of departure from God’s direction. Each time I am reminded that even one footfall from God’s Discerning Spirit provokes unpleasant, unpopular and growth from departed opportunities taken. The Righteousness of God was revealed through: poor action, inaction and reaction all standing in wait to serve the Essence of God. I don’t know what is coming next and as I have fore-mentioned the uncertainty of things is a joyous undertaking, as this means it is not sponsored by will or wish. I cannot get to where God wants me to go without having first received His counsel and direction. Waiting is the wonderfully power and oft unpleasant reality of service to the King. For only in faith may we wait upon God whether alone or in union to meet the coming revelation of that skinny path and the light that guides us beyond it.

No fear, but love, power and sound mind. Voluntarily investigating to depths of corrupt, insufficient or adequate character programming. On my face before the Throne of God where nothing may be escaped or hidden I am humbled and thankful for the opportunity to see the inner workings of internum corpus.

The soundness of mind compels analysis of social interaction to develop clarity as to those facets of character are ineffective warranting God’s chastisement. I see the hurt of a man who in fear, a spirit not given by the Father developed self-defense mechanisms to protect the child within, who was never able to contend with the threats of this world. The sight of the unfortunate creation of ineffective adult, coping machinery causes pause and upset met with welcoming joy of the trials in God’s Presence.

I am equally ashamed and compassionate for wounded child now kneeling as man before King. The pain of frightened insignificance and emotional, bodily threat that sponsored the malformation of adult characteristics incapable of experiencing healthy interaction is instantly alarming. Coequally overjoyed at seeing the seeds of world’s tainting that I may not only lay these issues before God for transformation but hope upon that wonderful day when they will be removed, polished and fully functional in freedom.

My Love for God, the Child and the Man I am becoming flourishes. The accountability, tugging upon my heart cries out for those who have been confronted with these poisonous aspects of fearful upbringing. I am sorry Lord may You and They forgive me. Having been so afraid I now understand through Faith that this face of my experience was founded in something not given man by Your Hand. I repent, ask forgiveness and joyously await Your Transforming Hand of Healing upon this life and issuance of its heavenly remeasure.

In Power, I see the absolute truth that compels both testimony and rekindling. May the baptizing fires of Your Holy Spirit take all fleshly aspects from within this person, changing, shaping and bringing the freshness of new wine to this vessel. May the construct and confidence of sound mind rule as standard the interactions, experiences and intentions of the man I am becoming. No more fear reigns my temporary existence. In Power, Love and that sound mind I actively seek opportunity to test the new Fruits given me by Your masterful remaking. May I love radically all who meet our interaction. May they see Your Face cast upon me in image and reflection. May Your Light and Love make me so contagious in Joy that they ask or follow me to a meeting and relationship with You.

In Jesus’ Name.

Standing Ground not new to man but made for each of us in the time of our trial. I do not argue for change or for personal realization of prayers for self but follow the Will of God. He alone has the power, the protection and provision to usher in the Kingdom. I rely upon His Power, His Knowledge and His Strength to see things through. Why would I taint those perfect objectives with the wishes, will and whims of the man who died upon the Cross with Christ? The intentions of the old, wounded and poorly experienced man will never pave the way for a Perfect Kingdom, only Faith may fill the shoes in which I now firmly reside.

When I have messed up every personal attempt at righteousness how may I continue to follow that accord and not see my own immature insanity of reason? My desires to some extent have been surrendered for the Will of God. I want what He wants for that is the only method through which my provision, achievement and power for ambassadorship of His Will. This although freeing brings the abrasive nature of worldly loss. It hurts in my heart to see relationships and wants go the way of surrender in acquiescence of my will. That pain is joyous recognition of the God’s Spirit upon my heart, mind and soul.

Those who stand with me in the absolute confidence in completion of God’s Will although chastised by our shortcomings have instead through love determined that as God Wills so must I walk in faith. For in surrender we have given up the completion of our own planning, knowing fully that all that I want will given to me or replaced by God’s perfect understanding of what is best for me. Even in the faithful recognition that only He sees the things that I cannot. James 4:2-3 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts.

I know the man who was in me. I know his lusts, I know his weak admission of desires to be loved appropriately that have been contorted by the poisons of this painful world. As a born again believer in Christ I now also know the perfect Will of God for my life and the new born wine of pursuits made perfect in the Blood and righteousness of Jesus. I do not crave the simple or imperfect things born of my previous existence. I seek those things beyond the vain imagination of the man I was revealed in the mind of Christ for the man I am becoming.

The proof in passions of struggle between the Flesh and Spirit are revealed in the Trials of this day. I have no doubt though my flesh still yearns for Earthly wish for “it is finished” said the Saviour on the Cross as He took the old man of sin into death, resurrection, forgiveness and Eternal Life. Lord let me only walk according to Your Perfect Will for my life. In Jesus’ name You are the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE and no one comes to the FATHER but by YOU

The fresh fragrance of hopeful heart

Longed to see in both you and me

Damaged days of bygone ways

Once and for all been set free

The lasting light of promised end

Mending days into less passive ways

Of worthy charter Perchance we barter

To gain the fruit allegiance pays

Chased away the spirits fear

We’re just liven twice forgiven

Childish smiles counting miles

Reflecting every place we’d been

Forgot the power of strong comedy

Ticklish foes and frightening woes

Hold no power in the joking hour

We poke fun chin, head and nose

Lasting peace is seldom found

In startling sound or pounding ground

What leaves each branch in faith receives

When shackles lost so tightly bound

Tis joy upon the lips of life

Whistling fife of surrendered wife

Three fold ties to blade replies

Go and find a sharper knife

You do not want to know what I had considered sharing. Funny thing about what one man perceives wisdom. When deaf ears prowl for shining siren pine dull to thin and thistle. Soft and shapely avenues of egress to mourning and delight. It prides a man to grow fields of tallow and tinder then store it for the pleasure of lean weekends.

Whose to choose what to gain and lose? When midnight means to manifest it all for sacrifice and sorrow. Perhaps tomorrow shone somber starlight upon the treasures of two thirty. When we arise, ribbon and prize shall decorate the platters and the mantles of manhood. All for the grand pleasure of a day that would see it all consumed for carbon tax and elite understanding. We whistle sweet times and jolly days of plunder.

What lay round the bend a puff of steam seen over top the hickory. Through the dales and valley prime moose calls and hoot owls mark perch and broad thicket knowing others shall certainly follow. Stepping with intention upon the soft ground. Leaving paw and claw as reminder of our inclusion. The crunch of pine straw and strawberry threaten to call rip tide to draw us keel to stone and hand to gentle cheek. Strong and weak.

Present tear, ripening fear turn about the seasoned warrior keenly sensing danger. It is good to remember and sometimes better to forget. For the lure of sweet tomorrows and daylight snoozes on porch swings that only become twisted in the rusty days of Autumn. Theirs is evil in promise that corrodes into reason. The thoughts turn to twisted oak when prostrate on the grounds in darkness of Winter’s damp. Implacable and steadfast a combination to make bitter the hearts of young men and slight the beat of elderly folk.

All for the glory of counting tabs and chalk marks. Skeptics and Priest tuck chin to cross and make winking gesture as none escape perspective. A “hurry back” and “that’s good to hear” say nothing to no one but declare unwillingness to borrow or shade the putrid purse of sin. What eye is dark or sight so dim to refuse light’s entry? What hearts forget the joy of youth when nothing is impossible? What delight is found when regretful memories pull back frowns from dancing laughter? All too short for us to open all the presents.

Joy, Arms wrapped

thinking Politely of how good it feels

Taking time to ponder nothing

As the trickling sound of distant brooks

Sunlit skies and august days

Wander into memory

Hand finding grasp 

Returned

The moments before slumber

When what has been read three times

laps the words before it

Risked, found nothing lost

Arbitrating for a wounded heart

found in healing season

Nothing said

For need or inclination

And as the morning left dawn behind

The implausible recovered

Where missing became wonder

And dream

Blended into courage

Coloring the background

In cascading facades

Where Love and kindness

Enjoyed the introduction

Some may find it easy, this life. I do not, in fact though not surprised by the fact, I often see impossible circumstances repeatedly threatening to get the better of the insecure man that this world has counseled me to be. It is with great imagination that people are able to deny the impact and pain that this life causes when trying to face these situations and consequences alone. My only comfort is that each time I feel the well of pain beckon me spiral downward, I find the hope, power and comfort that comes in prayer for all those within the impossible situation or circumstance.

I am no longer prisoner to the walls of the self-constructed cell of my own sin nor am I a party to the worldly limitations of my ability to react or not react to difficulty. The Bible says what it says and the Lord means it. Those who have been set free by Christ Jesus are Free indeed and must choose to remain within the unproductive confines of worldly/psychological prisons placed upon us by our agreement with sin, hell and death. I for one and I pray for those of my Christian Family will not fall prey to the false emotional attempts to capture me to the cells that have been broken by Grace.

I welcome your choices and am thankful that each of us must choose to work out our own salvation in fear and trembling. I will not offer condolence, colloquialism or spiritual absent sentiment in non-prayerfully offering to seek your blessings. Everything that Christ Jesus promised is there for your pursuit and receipt. I am also thankful that He calls us to obedience and achievement beyond the possible, for in that calling we are committed to a faithful search of the power, promise and provision outside of our own abilities to cope.

If He says do it, I am thankful when Christians simply seek its completion rather than interpreting, revising or avoiding the impossible tasks before them through faith rather than personal power, financial or talent based achievement. In fact, I often must admit that the things He directs me conquer are displeasing, daunting and doubtful in my own analysis, but that is why we are called to walk by faith and not by sight. Equally, I will not apologize for pursuing those things that God bid us confront together for they were never within my own capacity to bring to reality. If He directs it is He who will make them happen.

No, this life is neither easy nor hard for those are personal judgments it is either possible or impossible based upon our talents, treasures, experiences and expectations. The skinny path is narrow by definition because most would never consider choosing its difficulties. We are called to do something greater than that which simply is a feel-good exercise of faith and reason. We are called to overcome, implying directly that the things before us are by nature beyond our capacity to individually deliver. That is why we needed Christ, why we needed salvation, forgiveness, rebirth, seal and power. For it has never been within my power to overcome but through my belief, surrender and reliance upon Him to get to where I never could. His Glory, Honor and Praise and His Will be done in this world, the Heavens in my heart. In Jesus’ name.

For Joy I give thanks. May the Spirit of inadequacy be given its moment of painful recognition, not in failures achieved but in attempts made. Then, may it be ordered to leave my soul and never return leaving it cleaned and refreshed by the continued love of Christ Jesus. I know He bids healthy, communicative relationships baring fruit as evidence of Sovereign presence in the promise of His indwelling, comforting, teaching Spirit. The mastery evades me, but in each sanctified opportunity I joyfully embrace patience that it left to do its perfect work will make me perfect wanton for nothing. Not if but when, that is the surge from relief in promise.

If none avails let this pain that I have been given be adequate to my sanctification by Spirit. May I never utilize the ineffective aspects of the previous man instead seeking to drink of new wine, being remade for the asking. What I have done is gone away and may not be recovered as the past always present an unchangeable set of occurrence, would haves and regret. It must remain in its perfect capacity to educate the new man. For it is a master at pointing out the objects for transformation, confession and improvement. Perhaps this is why forgiveness is such pivotal component in long-term success of marriage, as we must be willing to leave behind the ineffective and embrace that which promises.

It is grand to know that God will never leave, regardless of quirk, mistake or learning opportunity, especially in the midst of overwhelming trial. I pray that I may reflect this component of God, never leaving in upset, disapproval, lack of forgiveness or due to my reluctance to face the impossible with Partner and Spirit. That is the winning bias of vow to God, for it admittedly and knowingly transcends the admission of impossibility invariably endemic to life by promise to overcome all together. What God as ordained let no man put asunder. Where there is a will, God’s Will there will always be a way.

Lord let my obedience include those impossible circumstances, never avoiding, forsaking or evading the arduous, but rather facing them in the same joy as I face the bountiful days of blessings. Let me love and be a good man to whoever you send into my covering. That they find encouragement, hope, food, fuel and strength to find smile in the midst of despair. May we pray together against the dark of night, standing in Your reflected light upon our shared heart. For the reflection of courage found in the difficulties of shared pursuit may be the greatest glory we could ever bring upon Your Name.