Reflecting on consistent regrets. Trying to explain to those who say they love me or call into question why I deserve that love. One should never have to subject themselves to this degrading discourse. Love is given in the moment, the rolling of a single tide. Certainly there is time to grow in that depth and breadth of adoration, but it is not thing of qualification but faithful resilience. I am sorry Lord for loving people in a superficial manner, perhaps waiting for the things I have established they are supposed to perform for me before receiving that approval. Perhaps it seems wrong because there is something wounded about it behaviorally? Perhaps it seems wrong because this feeling is conviction for not learning in the chastisement of God’s Hand?

Knowing how this feels I am mindful of treating others in this fashion that may hurt and make uncertain those who I have been sent to encourage. Look, there is no requirement to love me or anyone, everything that God has set before us is enacted by choice. Therefore, our choices demonstrate the interior and character of the heart and spirit. We ought love as He does, without condition and when we find that we do not love someone in that manner then we should not toy with them or drag them through the mud of our non committal decisions of circumstantial conformity. It just isn’t becoming. Those meaning all who I have been sent to love should simply feel and know that love as God Commands and I want to share.

Rather be a poor man with some respect than a rich man who had to beg to find a position in any family. This is not about me all the time but the people who I have been sent to love and perhaps demonstrate a courageous example. How will I respond to God if I repeatedly am shown that I let people give me half love or on again off again dismissal of my offer for faith, growth and cooperation? It is not a pretty look and it certainly has provided for many long days in history struggling with people who for whatever reason are clearly looking for something other than this Pastor. I am not in charge of you but I am in charge of what I volunteer into. It is hard to ask people to stop declaring their love when I myself never felt love but rather some unspoken set of expectations and performance criteria.

Will not hide this light under a bucket. There will be those who see the light and want to work with it however dim or comically inhibited. Family is not about approval. Family is about dancing with those you came with, watching their backs and never leaving especially when things get really difficult. Perhaps that is the measure of real love the people who when you show them your worst, or your impoverished, talent absent moments they stop, and love you nonetheless in spite of those inadequacies. Perhaps love is just that a hope that God and the shared love are the two things beyond sight that will deepen, grow and foster the love in the face of someone perhaps not being lovable. I do not consider it failure for you to admit to yourself that I am not good looking enough, smart enough, tall, short, wealthy or deep enough for your expectations. That is okay to decide. It is also okay for me to say I don’t want to measure up.

It is made worse when both parties have good hearts but one or both are caught up in predetermined plans or objective that place demands on each other to conform, perform or act according to a script outside of who they were meant to become by God. It is torturesome but also logical to test if someone will sell out to gain something outside of God’s intention. Nothing outside of God’s will for each believer is going to make us truly happy. Especially those relationships, people or circumstances that consistently require us to be someone other than who we are. I am not eschewing the need for growth and change for they are also healthy in their capacity to develop each person. However, love and family should be few of those things are so essential that they don’t need to be constantly questioned, especially by Christians who find it their foundation.

Not to say that difficult circumstances never work out, but Love shouldn’t be this hard. It should be a cooperative comfortable feeling allowing and supporting both parties to be loved for who they are right now and a promise to love them when they grow and change. I am not in charge. I have no magic right or disposition to tell you how to live your life or how to approach love, but I am not happy. Although happiness is not the be all and end all for a Christian man it is one of those criteria that cannot be long overlooked. I cannot make decisions for other people and I certainly find it demoralizing to convince people of my adequacy of candidacy as a Pastor, Man, Friend or Mate. I will never be alone and perhaps God will bring some people into my circle who will find in me the truest, reliable Brother, Son, Friend, Colleague they have always desired to know and grow with.

I never want to fit someone into my psychological cut out. I never want to dance how I think someone needs me to in order to fit into that profile. If it ain’t natural then a large amount of energy will always be expended not on furthering the relationship but upon always trying to appease the other persons projection. When I meet you God says love you. He didn’t say to me I am giving these people so that you can badger or conform them to your desired persona. Equally, if you have made it clear that I am not what you are looking for as Pastor, Friend, Brother or Family member then I will move on and allow you to find those qualities in someone else fully accepting that not everyone was meant to like me or choose me for those important relationships. It is okay. It is all going to be okay. God knows His plans for each of us and I refuse to try and fit in to a manuscript that is not of His writing nor honoring of my own.\

In scriptural relationships the interactions should be based on Scripture not on emotions, expectations or rule sets. That committed foundation may never be successfully overlooked with the expectations of seeing our way into long term productive, faithful God honoring relationships. Not that emotions or thoughts are not important but they must be subdued/surrendered before the Word and Will of God Always for that is the only conformity God fearing people should pursue. The test of my love for God is my obedience and He tells me to love my enemies. How then should I be loving my family? There is no small regard for the quality of Love that I give someone should be just as awesome as God first gave to me. And I assure you at that time I was truly unlovable but totally in need of it.