Some moments last forever. Some just lay their making you wish you had a hand grenade to break up the log jam. Thoughts are like traffic patterns, always looking for the easy path round town. But when thinking gets clogged it is time has stopped leaving us up stream of a bulging dam, constipated by the gateways frozen by rust and sediment. When the mind breaks loose time speeds up until the deluge downstream is a maelstrom a cacophony of ideas. Too many to process, spinning arms in broad pattern hoping to catch hold of passing branch or log, to ride the wave of clarity to something special.

Forgotten in the waves and plumes are those days caught in the muddy recesses of a withering, doubtful mind. Refreshed by a flood and emotions buried in thought covered by sadness, nonacceptance and finally capitulation to the priming pumps of flashing showers upon the mountains of hope. Things forgotten now somehow of less significance. Dreams once hoped for now relegated to history and concepts beyond reason now normalcy. Alone in the brilliance of a daft moment. Soldierly virtue in tact, but somehow softened by the realization that things would never be as they had maintained for so long now.

Breaking free into full stride and focus. Seeing halfway cross the universe at the meeting point of stardom and filigree nightmare. Visions of collusion of gravity, time and matter to produce something outside of creation, a bastardization of all that is real. They lay plans for snares of man and a will to break the bonding of associative reason. Ideas, puzzles, images mashed together into new elements super heated by the will to recover all that is meant for right and good. Standard malfeasance applies leaving bare those who barter for wealth and pleasure. Measuring man against the road before him.

Nothing so complex that we cannot pick the lock of understanding, a cypher key, designed to lay bare the quizzes and mysteries stored for ages. We all face the starting guns of eternity. Racing forward none with pace but breaking free as human barrage a deluge upon the security guards to wisdom, the ignition hatch of peace. Left behind thoughts and the value of war. Knowing fully that all communication breeds commitment and agreement to meet mutual need, surviving by proxy. Escaping parameters of ineffective measure and emotional abandon designed to hamper the appreciation or faith that most may be simply resolved.

Armed not with the weaponry of fear and violence but with thought and knowledge and the buttery smooth arguments of dissolved obstacle. Welcome the finger traces down shoulders made tight by defensive action. No longer held tight in controls but the comforts and mutual understanding that things work better, men climb higher, touch down comes sooner in the wake of proper lubrication of thought and machinery. What then said the master to the student? What have you seen that you wish to tell me before we sit down for leisure. Nothing Lord, just thankful and grateful for the moments both long and everlasting that challenge and direct to the plateau beyond prediction or planning.

You told me to go away, I requested to stay

you said there would be absolutely no way

Respecting your will is haunting me still

With an innocent kiss and large bitter pill

This short time I have left the porch light still on

Sat still in the moment, as the pain not yet gone

Weirdly enough though unpleasantly tough

I knew that I had never loved you enough

Whether fear or experience I stood at arm’s length

Expecting the worst and not trusting my strength

See pain is no friend not really that bad

Better than hanging around and making you so sad

Never claimed to be perfect nor good at this stuff

Promised Love and endurance through thin and the rough

For I’ve seen the great heights and from many have fallen

My psyche so bruised and heart big and swollen

I guess it was smart in protecting that heart

Separating from you before forever we’d start

But love is no prize when chances not taken

Whether good at romance or simply mistaken

I tested your patience for self-righteous reason

Knowing that life is such a short season

Now that we have space, things tidy and neat

With me in my work boots and you in bare feet

It’s oddly quite strange that you continue outreach

A contact with mail or to hear God when I preach

And today you touched base as you struggle with sin

Too stubbornly distant to let me back in

But the sin was my own when I played with two hearts

Disassembling machinery and inspecting those parts

So okay if you will and okay if you ain’t

Too careful with color in the works that I paint

I’ve toyed with my God and messed with your heart

Never taking so seriously that we would soon part

But came as it did never late or too early

It pesters my heart and makes my belly all squirrely

We struggle with things as people often do

Who is more right whether me or its you

But the premise was real and based on the Spirit

And I am glad I came close enough to see us both hear it

Too old to be worried or have ants in my pants

To young to withdraw without one final dance

So I put on this outfit and I’m singing this song

Not really that short but a little too long

That you will find peace in whatever God brings

Worship His Word when each little bird sings 

To say I’m still here most would ask simply why?

When all that you’ve offered is an extended goodbye

Sin, Abstinence or marriage. The Struggle within self often takes the form of sexual impurity. The quest to subdue, relinquish or fulfill the sexual urges of the mind, eye and flesh only subside based on which one of these three original avenues chosen in the struggle.

Each of them requires additional struggle but two have the assistance of the Holy Spirit while the other only offers confession, repentance and forgiveness in a dangerous loop of Repetitive Sin. The greatest difficulty is that those who practice the sin seldom are close to Christ and after time this recurring practice quenches the spirit even to the point of not being heard by God. Worse yet being turned over to a vain imaginary ideal that this behavior is somehow justified, leading to a darkened heart in that adapted world. Then finally being turned over to reprobate thinking now wishing to see those around you follow the same sinful practices. None the less the absolute sorrow is the yearning although lessened for a moment pesters, lures and captures again and again until it consumes the sinner in hopelessness, despair and shame.

Abstinence though difficult requires making something beyond self urge more important than the will to fulfill it. However, abstinence for the dedication to consecration before God receives great reward in service to the Groom of our expectation. This reasonable sacrifice honors Him and the saint. It does however require enormous dispensation of self-control not often found in humans. For this as with sin is also a choice that pesters and complains, challenging the body, mind and spirit to the battle between flesh and spirit. It is however a worthy endeavor that when confronted by the believer in Spirit leaves a Saint unspotted by the iniquities and desires of this world. It will however make each saint a mark for the enemy as tainted this saintly person appears great reward to the reprobate mind. This is a thing done in the Spirit of God. Praise His name.

Finally, we are confronted with the most difficult but perhaps the most rewarding of the three; marriage. This allows both people to appreciate the yearning of the flesh while fulfilling in a prescribed Biblical manner as the party of a union before God. Although it is not easy the benefits and absence of guilt in the practice of safe sex with one’s wife or husband is covered commitment before God and justification in His Command. It may in fact provide the greatest bastion from the pestering flesh. However, this may also be used improperly and end quite frankly worse than the first two choices. For this requires allegiance not only to God but to spouse. It requires an enduring effort to keep the peace and biblically reside with the partner of commitment and it is for the length of each person’s Earthly existence. This ought never be entered simply to fulfill the lusts of the flesh for within that union resides the commitments of love, care and sacrifice that many do not realize until after the wedding.

All three are addressed in the Bible. One thing is for certain this life comes with it the urges consistent with the flesh, pride and eye. These carnal impulses will at some point require action consistent with choice of fulfillment either through immediate gratification, enduring faith or committed union before God. We all are in this same struggle some with lesser degree of urgency. The rub is that not all know Christ and are sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise with whom they may face resolve, patience, love and self-governance. Those in Christ will find conviction against sin of those caught within it. The only thing that governs or dissuades sin is a fear of the Lord, without which each human is destined for eternal separation and punishment of those sins. We all face the struggles of this life, most with this very issue. Again it is always choice that is the common factor governing resolution or capitulation. I pray in the Name of Jesus that He guides and aides in your choice.

In forgiveness cleansing reveals, refreshment, change and the peace that transcends the credulity and cruelty of circumstance. Ten reasons to remain in this estate. First of which a certain curiosity of purpose to see the train and its characters coming round the bend. It is altogether daunting and enjoyable this not knowing, but knowing that whatever it is that I do not know will shortly and certainly come to pass. There is comfort in this.

Thank you for not settling. Thank you for seeing beyond the parameters of my garden. Thank you for placing my heart and love to test. I now may reside peacefully naked and unashamed, sorry for the mistakes but grateful for having remained obedient. I never could do what was before me and thankfully have again acknowledged that the things of God must be completed by His power. My only authority is commitment. The will to surrender the desire to run and rather stand in Good Courage knowing that what God has ordained shall come to pass, regardless of equipping, treasure or talent, which will logically always remain in scarcity.

If it was not of God then it would not have happened and this good that came from it would equally never been revealed. I thought one thing and it turned out to be another thing. The only saving grace that all along I watched for God’s Will and surrendered to the absolute certainty that I was never good enough and always good enough. The sweet spot of faithful understanding. This hurts, but because it hurts I am closer to God for having walked in surrender to that painful understanding. Mistakes were made but there will always be mistakes in every enterprise or undertaking. It is always in reflection, cooperation and reaction to mistakes that success or derivation is found.

There is no guidance here but righteousness out of departure from God’s direction. Each time I am reminded that even one footfall from God’s Discerning Spirit provokes unpleasant, unpopular and growth from departed opportunities taken. The Righteousness of God was revealed through: poor action, inaction and reaction all standing in wait to serve the Essence of God. I don’t know what is coming next and as I have fore-mentioned the uncertainty of things is a joyous undertaking, as this means it is not sponsored by will or wish. I cannot get to where God wants me to go without having first received His counsel and direction. Waiting is the wonderfully power and oft unpleasant reality of service to the King. For only in faith may we wait upon God whether alone or in union to meet the coming revelation of that skinny path and the light that guides us beyond it.

No fear, but love, power and sound mind. Voluntarily investigating to depths of corrupt, insufficient or adequate character programming. On my face before the Throne of God where nothing may be escaped or hidden I am humbled and thankful for the opportunity to see the inner workings of internum corpus.

The soundness of mind compels analysis of social interaction to develop clarity as to those facets of character are ineffective warranting God’s chastisement. I see the hurt of a man who in fear, a spirit not given by the Father developed self-defense mechanisms to protect the child within, who was never able to contend with the threats of this world. The sight of the unfortunate creation of ineffective adult, coping machinery causes pause and upset met with welcoming joy of the trials in God’s Presence.

I am equally ashamed and compassionate for wounded child now kneeling as man before King. The pain of frightened insignificance and emotional, bodily threat that sponsored the malformation of adult characteristics incapable of experiencing healthy interaction is instantly alarming. Coequally overjoyed at seeing the seeds of world’s tainting that I may not only lay these issues before God for transformation but hope upon that wonderful day when they will be removed, polished and fully functional in freedom.

My Love for God, the Child and the Man I am becoming flourishes. The accountability, tugging upon my heart cries out for those who have been confronted with these poisonous aspects of fearful upbringing. I am sorry Lord may You and They forgive me. Having been so afraid I now understand through Faith that this face of my experience was founded in something not given man by Your Hand. I repent, ask forgiveness and joyously await Your Transforming Hand of Healing upon this life and issuance of its heavenly remeasure.

In Power, I see the absolute truth that compels both testimony and rekindling. May the baptizing fires of Your Holy Spirit take all fleshly aspects from within this person, changing, shaping and bringing the freshness of new wine to this vessel. May the construct and confidence of sound mind rule as standard the interactions, experiences and intentions of the man I am becoming. No more fear reigns my temporary existence. In Power, Love and that sound mind I actively seek opportunity to test the new Fruits given me by Your masterful remaking. May I love radically all who meet our interaction. May they see Your Face cast upon me in image and reflection. May Your Light and Love make me so contagious in Joy that they ask or follow me to a meeting and relationship with You.

In Jesus’ Name.