Awry. Scattered, pieces, slices, widgets spread far and wide. As if chaos had a holiday.

Donuts and decisions. Bitter coffee, cold and old with a back taste of Styrofoam. In Conclusion.

They dismantled populations. Razed from ground to sky. Miles of smiles, plunged into hopeless night.

Bullets without bandages. Terror to sell tickets and boost banks. While children were unsafe.

Without rhyme and far too soon for reason. The pages filled with parlay and vaudevillian fools.

For islands had come undone. Moorings loosed in circular tides and crashing wave. Sneakers on the beach.

And the bird puzzled above. Eagle’s eye dwelling too high for color and peace. Removed from oblivion.

We caught a few winks. As we stood toes hanging over the brink of tomorrow. Remiss.

Unfortunate few, no tickets, nor attendance. Watched. Left out to dry in the noonday sun.

We ambled toward resolution, accidentally. Caught up in the maelstrom of boredom and brief.

Entertaining lost souls and the mourning of the long since dead. Tears no longer present nor useful.

In the flurry of winter’s plunge. Our tightened shawl hid our prayers from the dying. Hardened by the quickened pulse of time.

We applauded sound, shout and whisper. Waiting for the rise. And the Glorious expected delivery of forever.

Within my own power, performance and potential, at no instance have I felt sufficient to the tasks before me. That all changed when I believed in Christ Jesus and walked with God’s Holy Spirit. Yet, to this day, my inadequacies represent the greatest challenges for this life. There is no enemy over top me. Rather they look upon my works and wants to find method for dragging, luring or inciting me to injustice. The seed of my own downfall always rises from the mortal heart I so desperately seek to leave behind. Being caught in the eternal web and prison of this temporary existence is the most frightening element when confronted by the Face of God.

This victory then has never been my own. Simply accepting and believing upon the gift of deliverance from my own evil is nothing to sport as self-achievement. Jesus did all of this, His Word, constant reminder and conviction to continue onward seeking His likeness. Yes, there are moments when I reflect in some small measure His character. Those pale in comparison to the grand stampede of His memorable impacts and miracles He conducts, commands and completes through my use as insufficient vessel. The ironic evidence is that through that continued use i am somehow repaired, made new, repurposed.

Therefore, it is me from which I seek freedom. I long to leave behind in the wake of this diminishing world the dark lacquer of its oily sheen. The antipathy expressed and misunderstanding of the joy of being washed clean typifies the importance of relief. They hate what they cannot have and mock the meekness of those committed to a lifelong waith upon the works of God within. Contrary to the doubt and failure associated with my constant attempts to be good enough while embroiled in self-struggle the victories mount in the life set before me. God continues to shred the concept of my failures as being a final resting place of my character and eulogy. For now I will live on to arrive in the promise of His vision of the man I was always meant to become.

There is no measure for the elation in this knowledge. No expression or description of those things beyond my current comprehension. I have a relationship with the Father. This does not mean I fully know Him for His thoughts are so far above my own that the words escape. It is reasonable to worship the Holy, Righteous and Benevolent Creator of all things. Additionally, it is sensible to commit everything I am and have to my own refinement in His Word, Council and Education. There is no argument to be had regarding the decisions of another man’s heart. For to me, my heart bleeds for those who cannot see the wickedness and absolute despotism of self-reliance. God Knows me and that is more than I will ever deserve or need. He has shown me and I trust that to win, the man I was must fade in to a past I am sorry I ever experienced. I pray that as it dissolves so does the will to see it revived, fed and supported. In Jesus’ Name.

Sad moments, not anniversaries. Indifferent to joy’s influx. Predominantly sour. Embellished in dreams of fame, fortune and clarified reason. Tap dancing to promised fulfillment. Another’s wake for the sake of wedding sadness with Midnight.

Reluctant to start something. Anything is better than zero’s and columns anecdote filled. To challenge the hope of dying early we walk ourselves silly. Into valley’s of dominant neurosis we chant into the darkness at midday.

Polished stones of sharpened gristle. Tough as debauchery and inclined to wisdom’s flight. A night full of light. A day full of poignant, glistening madness. Spring remanded winter to annual irrelevance. Brim’s embellished with crimson and clad with golden goodness.

Mixed a lot. Tossed a coin just to practice faith in contemplation’s council. My luck was better off losing without expectation of victory. Walking in certainty certainly has a different ringtone. All that promise rejects the notion of doubt.

In the window the shiny eyes of young love. Wicked and wanton, the human wains continuously. Drained by the exhortation of bubbles, miracles and fireworks. Gone to everlasting, left yesterday. May this day be the one you were foretold.

The Great I Am never forgot, this the lesser of two evils. Speaking ill of dignitaries remonstrates the kindling with flint stricken. Absorbed by parlor tapestries, crossed my name from the seated names only to stand and watch.

Weeping, salty goodness, proof of life. Into absurdity we are projected for the tamed foolish were gone for the weekend. When will they eradicate the Papacy. Crumbling Dads and has-been of husbandry. The Prowess of the tone deaf.

There is no respect for me as criticism and candid faithful fodder spew upon the unsuspecting. Wading into the crowd, twice as loud as the coming fall of night. Walking upon the crushed blossoms of fruitful fealty. We stand sober. Awake the dream.

Depending upon the unsaid items within a scroll of intention, clearly surreptitious manipulation of the factors to produce a potentially unfavorable outcome for the party unaware. All items must be transparently reviewed in consideration of agreement or covenant, for the unmentioned bullets are the potential death of mutual understanding.

We do not seek to hide or coerce but to make conscious choice having prayed about and contemplated the hazard and reward of such venture. I want to offer no surprises at a date passed the time for vows and commitment. I pray my life is wide open. All facets and aspects of the jewels and weights are inspected, known and properly measured.

For it is such before the eyes and throne of a Holy God. There is nothing unknown, nothing hidden, nothing held in check as potentially distasteful. I want truth and should champion my own willingness or resistance to revelation of all components of this reality called my life. Therefore, it is in humility before His sight that I must declare, uncover and reveal all.

Lord, make me a clean slate seen by all who are counting upon that full understanding. Father, let me practice this policy throughout life that when we meet there is nothing in reserve or protection of concealment. For when revealed before Your Throne I will be totally undone, embarrassed and made foolish for that attempt at concealment.

When giving, let me give with joy without intention or expectation of self glorification. When helping let me be true in what may be offered and lay down my life for those who You have told me to defend. When venturing let me offer every ounce of will, treasure, thought and effort to mission completion for You My King. Let all be left on the field of each day. In Jesus’ name.

What do you pursue? Is it akin to the promises made in absolute Power? Or have you relegated yourself to direction of final fulfillment in Your own Will? What does God direct? Is that consistent with your pursuits and if not how is there any sufficient argument to reconcile the twain? As He is the only bridge across the gap into everlasting. How then may something be bridged by your own understanding of effort? How may you reach the unreachable?

These days are clearly those outlined in God’s Word, A Word that not one yod or tittle shall pass away. Christ told us all that we need for preparation. How am I moving around the existing furniture of my life in vast disregard of that which my Spirit knows confronts Man? There is no alternate quest so gravitationally pressing. What impacts or achievement seek ye? What is the hill upon which you would make your final stand?

The enemy is amassed to battle Christ. We see the spirit of Anti-Christ upon the hills of the world’s assault. We taste the bitter air and water of their fulfilling hate for God. Is that Spirit deceiving me in any instant? Am I drawn to a pursuit of pathways disobedient to Christ Jesus? Am I conversely drawn to be set apart Holy, Righteous and Pure as God IS? Am I I am kin having made a confirmation to live as Christ? What is the nature of adoption into Supremacy? Do I defame, blame, spew and confirm my blasphemy and betrayal?

Or do I now live as declaration of the Spirit within me? What fruits do I bear as evidence of this resolution and stance? For I seek the opportunity to stand behind Christ Jesus or beside Him as friend at that faithful day and hour of the World’s Judgment. I will not conform to the basket of upheaval that leads to standing before Him in declaration and accountability for my disobedience and deception. This is the time we all requested. This is the time of account and walk, regardless or in align with spoken Word and my own word. This is who i will become for all to see. Walking with Christ Jesus, alone or with the World on the broad boulevard to damnation. May the light guide your steps to everlasting. In Jesus Name.

Is there something that truly matters? Character perhaps? If you don’t believe that try doing something that will ruin you at your job and within your family. There are few things that matter in life more than the brief moments of experience. Having been the participant of good decisions as well as some truly awful choices, given the redo would love to step away from our worst decisions. Not just the act but the horrific impacts of some decisions follow us our entire lives.

My history is a land mine of poor choices. Certainly, I would rather discuss in open forum the challenges and grand successes, but there greater public impact and example from the times I have truly blown it. Therefore, often I begin with the worst and hopefully will get around to the best to be fair. As the lasting impact of my successes though brief and wonderful or at least positive to my self-esteem are less favorable to the shaping of my character then I previously understood. My worst moments may have been my best.

I lacked good, solid, healthy formed character for the majority of my youth. Seeking attention instead of love I became a performer for anyone who would listen to the song and dance. The things I did to get that attention were often ghastly. Children must be taught a Biblical understanding of the mirror of commandments from God’s perspective so that they have a measure against which to determine their road. Many young men I counsel these days threw away ten to twenty years of good reputation all for the sake of sin fulfillment.

We are in this life together and will often stand bye watching those with poor or immature understanding continue to be their own worst enemy. To me, those who taught me and those around me applauded my ignorance and foolish acts almost with a sense a sadism at watching a life implode. None of us may blame anyone and escape personal accountability but many of the poorest actions taken by those around me could have been prevented by a strong influential word or staying hand.

I don’t like the willingness to exhibit weak character and oft times find myself stopping these days before taking an action because of the potential for negative life impact. Perhaps the greatest learning is that there will always be some measure of yearning, even for the wrong thing, such that we must develop a good sense of self control to avoid that negativity. In Godly reflection other people must matter more than self. What I do to them carries greater impact to my character than the harm or mishaps I create for myself. Therefore, in maturity I must test ever intention and drive to see if it will solicit or create an adverse effect upon those around me. Love, after all commands this understanding.

I am not afraid of making mistakes, I am conscious of their potential for lasting impact. I am continually upset by my exhibition of poor behavior or making totally self-centered decisions that should have clearly been more well thought or not taken. What of my meanness or terse retort? Everyone that knows me sees that lack of perfection. However, I serve a wonderful God who gave me the power and intelligence to rise above my simple lack of skill or emotional understanding to do the right thing or say the encouraging instead of critical. Now that I am no longer afraid I may look back on well-considered action and see that in rare moments I am exhibiting character of a man I never thought to become.

Lord, let me be reflective, conscious and mirror your righteous choices. Let me step away when there is no positive impact upon others or to be seen in my own outcomes. Let me walk in the Spirit and do the right thing, say the right words and think the right thoughts that at some distant moment I may be thankful I took these right works. I know that I am not what I’ve done Lord, but my works still reflect the poisoned or healthy heart within my chest. Let me have a pure, considerate and thoughtful heart and defer or step away from the opportunities to display poor or lacking good character. Let me be like you. In Jesus’ name.

On to Lillibar. Holding thoughts to bare minimum. Constructing avenues through dendrites and axiom via highways of disrepair. Expectant of fires on horizons yet contemplated or seen. Places I’ve never been on ground fresh and sullen. Swollen with possibility and promise. Lies may find no deep seed in ground so pure and passion free. What lilacs and Lilly’s tell of preaching bells and pirouettes. All for the purpose of pure joy and reason.

Where is doubt to be found in answered promise? How lively the step of men once terminal? Where, the destination of those who had nothing? Perhaps, the simple breath of men let loose? Holding high the torches that defeated night and the onslaught of impending dark. We found our way to those valley’s beyond the seeds of nightmare and gravity. Into a smidgen of perception we followed the splintered light through keyholes and cupboards.

Has pain now left us as old, accustomed friend. Leaving us ready for the better things to come. Upon which we placed our hope only to know them before that end is realized. That day, for which we believed shines oh so near out at the limits of my foresight. We are relieved in the air and water that seems somehow healed of poisons and displeasure. Seeing children in love, without fear chasing the endless possibilities of dream.

Dance with me, not for passions pursued but for the sake of giving honor to the well spring of joy and life yet found. Everlasting has always been before us. We have now the eyes to see beyond the torture of boundary and break. To see into what once was void now ocean of understanding, expectation and limitless idea. We have stepped across the threshold to marry God. And those things we shall see and hear will fulfill the promise of Divine.

Safe and sound is seldom found for broad and potent wings shall cover thee. Harbor checked and feelings kept in winter the creaks reveal tempest rage. For together in the moment is a breath solemn provided. To quest for things beyond the love and vast hope of rings. Marries us to instance and episode.

Bedecked in merriment oft ill presumed folly. As tarpons and terrapins venture the vast and dangerous sands of waiting. We must return to the expansive assumptions of youth to temper them in experience. For tales told of old must be corrected in the sublime reason of today’s perspective. To be rekindled in magnanimity.

Too frequent in pulse and reverb to pause. To august for spring. To nonsensical for the comedic. Hope defiled by those lost in the turgid expectations of blasphemic importance. What reserve must be governed to release the dams of reason and encouraging festivity? What relief may be offered when no sustenance valued?

What prayers coat the waxen and the caustic? Who presumes to know things before revelation? In what manner may a man speak and reword the Divine without interpretation from the Heart and Spirit? When do batteries become irrelevant as they are tossed aside for internal verbiage and tranquility?

What powers the powerless? What fashion is so forward that it astounds and provokes? Who will stand in frailty before the passions of the innocent? Who will stamp out the light of praise and hope as all look to the sky expectant? What will stop the unstoppable and forgive those claiming to have that authority?

Who may be your King, someone in whom you have no doubt, disobedience or alternative? What is primacy? What is fixed and true? Do all things sway and vacillate in the universal understanding? Must we expect anchor, threshing floor or anvil from which all that is right may be constructed?

What is your Hopeful Truth?

Forgiveness and hope. Seeking, finding, forgetting, losing, remembering, wandering through hallways of dark moments and that brilliant saving light. Being what I should not be, not loving, fearing, walking inconsistent with the calling to spread the word of God. Does it matter the object of my searching heart, especially when seeing my awful behavior and lack of the fruit of self control? There is no place where that is okay.

Some things just need to work. For when the storm comes against us we must be standing hand in hand against it. No amount of salve will heal the desire to listen to another commander. I cannot calm the storm, only the spirit within me. Each time that I attempt to legislate, control or navigate unknown rivers or difficulties I should expect that failure I so often receive. For I am neither in charge nor want to be.

Find your place in the sun. If it were to be with me then we would be seeking the light and place of equal understanding. There is nothing wrong in one person saying, “This is where I will be”. Nothing wrong. However, it does indicate that it is a personal, unique, choice made by one party that is inconsistent with both parties coming to a joint decision in sun and spot selection. Things are as they are and when a good things sours, it may simply be the fault of a lack of commitment to follow the same road in joint decision to find their place together.

This is not my place. It has not captured me but is a way station to fulfill the calling upon my heart. It has been a proper waiting place to conduct ministry and wait upon the blessings that were presented as unexpected possibilities. To plant roots here would end my calling. For my calling is clearly one of evangelist, pastor and perhaps a sliver of prophecy. There is nothing wrong with someone staying here and putting down roots, trees, bushes, fences and family. However, that choice naturally separates the called from those meant to do ministry right here. Much the same as church vs. missionary. One stays the other goes. I am to Go.

The Lord gives us opportunities to make choices. He lays before us those things of our own intention, contentment, resolve and will that are not wrong, but are choices that will inhibit or even end the calling and fulfillment He intended for each life. I have been given such a choice in the quest for family, that has been absent much or even all of my adult life. To accept this answer to prayer I must relinquish the power, mystery and joy that comes with a mobile ministry. Frankly, a very hard thing that required voluntarily giving up those aspirations of self for that achievement consistent with God’s will.

The answer was always evident. Those who are in my family will either love me from afar or take up their cross and go wherever it is God’s Spirit directs us. For this is not the end of the road, only the beginning. If this be a way station to that fulfillment then amen. If this be a place for their roots to be planted deep next to the river then I say Too, Amen. For neither is wrong, only following that which God has placed upon their hearts. My choice has been made and my bad behavior a result of the struggle between your cause and mine. I want to love and am truly sorry that I have been made bitter, angry, frustrated and unloving by trying to conform to the calling of another heart.

I must lose it all to gain it. Including my desire for the white picket fence and family holiday reality. Why? Because my poor behavior is evidence that I know that choice will defy God. I cannot defy Him no matter the gain in this world. For this is not my world, my country or my eternal life but the ground of testing which is what I am experiencing right now. Choices like them or not must be made and my choice as I said has already been made, My Choice is Christ and that means loving my family enough to let them go in order to fulfill God’s Will.

I wish that we all understood, in time perhaps that will be the case. All I know is that I cannot be unloving and find unity in purpose and family. My exasperation is in disservice to a good relationship. Therefore, I must be true to my calling and love my family from far away as I fail up close. If people don’t want you around there is a reason. The reason they don’t want me around is because I squirm, trying to be comfortable while constantly being chastised for being inconsistent with God’s Call. It is simple logic, yet when affairs of the heart are involved logic becomes evasive and complex. I love you and will continue to do so, but I will not subject you to the bitterness that arises when I am out of synch with the Spirit of God. In Jesus name.

False Authority and the brutish push to make people perform my wishes. I never had the ability, though sometimes I intended to bulldoze those who were vulnerable enough to mirror my thinking, sight and demands. But as a Man of God walks he learns that Moses tried this as did Aaron and lost to God. For it is a nasty and foolish ideal to wrestle with the Almighty. I do not want people to suffer the trials and expectations of my worldly man. They should rather be free from me and go about joyfully finding hope, peace and comfort in their own pursuits.

People will do what they will do and if they will not listen to reason then the wise man disappears and falls back allowing all to make the free will decisions God has granted them. For sometimes they too must feel enough loss and pain or chastisement of the Lord to be purged of the things He would take from them or give them. Or they must make a choice in their appropriate timing without rush or recommendation. My greatest change has been that the urgency in my heart for God’s unfolding plan may not be transferred by osmosis, suggestion or even brow beating. People must grow in their own time with God. Some have had to forgive me for pushing a bit too hard in the Spirit of Urgency and clocks winding. I am sorry. The time I have will be used for better things than arguing or berating others into alignment with my desires for they do not belong to me but to Him.

He alone should be their guide. He alone shall I serve and none other, excepting the brief Brother, Sister or peaceful partner who wishes to paddle alongside me in this canoe for His proposals. I love, that does not mean that I will fall in love with everyone simply because I have heard their good intentions. A man, especially myself must be tested and in the empirical observance be found worthy of trust and favor or departure. Most people are good and have good intentions and heart, but walking in the life of discipleship is so unlike this world it requires a special amount of evaluation to see if the intentions match the footsteps.

For many times I have heard the word only to left on the side of highway or forced to walk away from someone because their words, vows, intentions and heart pursue something in a worldly neighborhood far from the scarce grounds of spreading the gospel. If it is the house, the dishes, towels, mirrors and foyers that a man seeks then his concerns will be upon his manna, not the people surrounding/needing him. I have been bought with such a price that perhaps there is no one who would want to align with me for I am sold to righteousness.

I find that as I seek things in the world: houses, trucks, relationships, approval that I weaken in my dedication to the ultimate prize, fulfilling God’s destiny, “every millimeter of it” for my life and those around me. I am responsible not only for self be those who may fall short walking with me, so we must at the outset be dedicated to that end, the One God has created for us.

This nation, our states and each individual is in the middle, perhaps in the early stages of the greatest tests and challenges that we shall ever face in this lifetime. To that end there is no wiggle room for me to operate at less than levels outstanding, supernatural in fact, empowered by the Spirit of God Himself living in our hearts. I want to be alongside you, but I cannot depart from the duty of my Soul.

My greatest want is that all given to my care find the fruits of the spirit from me to aid them in readiness. If there is a circumstance that inhibits that fresh/healthy transfer of His Fruits it must be questioned, challenged and changed or suspended in Hope that what I cannot do shall be completed in God’s timing, power and Crafting Workmanship. If my fruits are sour and terse then I am doing myself and you a disservice and must retreat to safety of testing, honing and shaping in God’s Hand. Joining me on that difficult, sometimes impossible road is a path that very few would ever choose. And I always counsel to choose wisely.