Since Boyhood secrecy of word and deed has been the only and appropriate bastion of a young men encircled and threatened with the knowledge of a grueling contest. Innocence for men in these United States is not allowed and one becomes clique pariah possessing a God fearing gentility to mercy, love and compassion. We are banished from the cool kids clan immediately when inquiring if there aren’t better, more Godly ways to treat humanity. Most find succor or secondary solution in some strange attraction to the Opposite Sex as rescue from the incessant bullying that inevitably pursues them in this unacceptable innocence.

But for those who do not find themselves homosexual the only reliefs is camouflage/coding or capacity to surpass their prowess in pugilism. I simply love women and enjoy being a man created by God who has a heart full of Love for His Creation. Certainly I have done everything I could imagine and been pressured, beaten, subdued and harassed by the men in the Family to become some angry, contentious, bigot of a man having no sensitivity to each person’s dilemma.

At some point I sought conquest of all in my life rendering me to a war within myself in the poverty of temporary tyranny as solution to complex design. The validation of women produced that temporality extinguishing momentarily the pain of never being able to find love for being who God made me. However, this was utter foolishness and akin to insanity as my pursuits resolved the location of women who could never love me and convince them that I was sufficient, good, kind and deserving of that approval. This led me to new understanding and inevitably directly to God as I had no true concept of Love until experiencing it from Him.

I even joined the Marine Corps in desperate attempt to become that which would be acceptable to those who promised Love for transformation. I hurled myself into their world of brutality and mastered the techniques of those mirroring the requirement of acceptability. These practices were base and easy to master but impossible to digest. For I am not what man would have me become but that which God has designed. In the Corps I found many others suffering from similar banishment in social environ and also found the ability and talents of God’s intelligence gifting. Code became my solace. Complex verbiage, rhetoric and poetry the devices of my protection in secrecy. If they could not decipher my writings then they had no more leverage upon the man seeking his own preservation in silence.

At some point God stepped in and inquired of me, His Son, why I was attempting to rid myself of the Greatest Asset He had given me in the fulfillment of His Purpose for my existence. He told me clearly that because of the sensitivity my wounding was inevitable but the procurement in my endurance was the ability to enter a room of people and immediately see their wounds. He explained this allowed me to quickly become of significant use in their unfulfilled desire to find Healing in God. All men want to know Him, for there is no other path to heal the wounds of this depraved and cancerous world. His Word and His Guidance showed me clearly His Plan for this decaying world and that our trial by His Fires Must Come to force man’s propensity to procrastinate through scarcity of time and caustic impetus. If their is sufficient heat all men will seek to escape their circumstance. We are destined to face this point of time in God’s Planning, Soon.

I never imagined that my answer would be found outside my imagination. Being forced to comprehend that only through Relationship with God may I find the answer to problems of this world. I needed the impossible and only through His Holy Spirit was it available. Upon embracing His forgiveness, rebirth and transformation, I discovered the answers previously unavailable. My Life now made sense in embracing His Will for my life for in that Sovereign Will I found the Purpose beyond man’s defining comprehension. Odd that a rebirth was what I always sought in my worldly pursuits to be acceptable to mankind through my transformation. Yet, only in my heavenly remaking did I discover that I was always meant to be loved and adored, just not by men and not for the reasons that men offer approval, but for the Purposes and Worldly unacceptable remaking to resemble Christ.

So what must I say in the clarity of a man who spent nearly his entire youth and adult life hiding in my own camouflage and secrecy? That this thinking has been entirely sponsored by God’s Hand in my life, taking one of my older Brothers this passed month by heart attack and hearing that the other has suffered the same illness without mortality is something I must readily admit. For there are influences of the Powers and Principalities of this World and the Heavenly realm that seek their death. In the pain of their own trials by exactly the same wounds they found their temporary inclusion in the cliques of this world. For that I weep to see that they chose to achieve worldly success in exchange for Heavenly Purpose.

It is to God that we all owe allegiance, worship and fealty. For He alone offers something beyond the palsy of a world gone astray from His Direction, Kindness and Provision. I mourn for those who find themselves discontent, for that unhappiness indicates the Opportunity for escape. I do not envy those having found completion in the realm of men for that indicates eventual and permanent separation for the Sovereign Love of God’s Presence. I will hide no more in the elusive desire to obfuscate my True Purpose to somehow protect myself from the caustic and abrasive devices in this dimension for these are the creative tools of God’s Purpose for all men. I am no longer seeking peace and protection through complexity, pursuing safety in my own capacity of silence and cryptology. I AM what He wants me to be and that shall never be hidden again. Meek does not mean Weak, but compassion demands and understanding from the Powerful.

I walk, talk and fight in Jesus’ Name for His Kingdom Come and His Will to the extent that I may be a cup of His Impossible Power to the finding of those results He seeks through me.