Into that sleepless night I mumbled the intelligible. Words with no semblance or connection to this reality fell from the stone perch of my palsied frown. Why had space given me so much freedom and no courage as deadly blow after swinging pendulum mistook me for a French intruder. Gaining wisdom as all memory passed before my wakeful eyes lending me sudden understand, precisely when I needed it least, as I face the end of my days. Crushed by relief that time had for me called my chit, There is no bargaining without chips, no credibility without a Truth measured against your name, no place to wonder when the desert Knows you’re there.

Why had I forgotten everything about engineering, machinery and gadgets exactly when I needed that learning most? What fallback supported my continued existence if I could not find the Spirit of McGiver somewhere deep inside my thought processes for that skill set would be the only personal salvation I would observe. And judging from enormous blank I had drawn, tighter than a mercury seal on a vacuum, there would be no hope for this child warned by Mom and Graced by God. Delivery is what I most needed unfortunately I had reached that dry moment when God offered no more moments for contemplation and decision. My gas was gone, air used up and title revoked, apparently God wants me home right now for some strange reason when I have amounted to nothing for Kingdom or Family.

Faith is reason without an explanation or expectation. My view of this world had summarily amounted to nil on God’s Worthometer. I stood bereft of reason, accountability, science, emotional intelligence or a solid sense of morality. I would say it was by chance that I became someone of standing but we both know who is responsible for all blessings having been bestowed upon this poor fool. My answers were humbly sharp and my love dismally given for wanton gain. I had made decisions to save myself from making more subsequent choices that we all know must be made this side of dying. I viewed God’s Will as a nod and a wave, hoping that I would never have to explain to anyone what this life truly entaialed. For I had a some total of nothing to show, nothing to say and nothing to revive me from the unpleasant slumber to which I now was headed. What does waste not want not mean any way?

Inordinate tragedy born of the Greek Soul but placed in the Iranian emotion as weeping about the joys of love seems odd to a Russian. We knew discourse, we knew rambling, we knew how to serve ourselves in a host of languages but had forgotten how to mourn. Nothing throne to the ground evoked our pity, especially those who couldn’t find their way from poverty. Eating a dog is not that hard. It simply requires that you are the hungrier dog. Displaced from the stark concept that I had always been wrong about everything, I stood alone a giant, casting aspersions upon everyone for all would know my rage and contempt. Humanity was a swollen sponge waiting to extol its colored passions upon my freshly waxed floors. Hate was an insufficient word for the foul odor that now filled my mind, Raw, acidic, suppressed wrath bit my tongue nearly twain as I could not imagine more painful end to the forgiveness lacking retribution I sought against all of them. There was no going back nor everlasting light for me, only darkness, fire and dry spit, gnashing and blaiming everything upon God himself.

We were right you know, but the simple fact that it had all come to pass as He proclaimed left me wanton. I could not measure my loathing breast against the apparent joy that powered those who chose to believe what I knew certainly was folly and fairytale. A God who loves me enough to die to buy me back from the sin that I chose is weak, impotent and disturbing. Now they thought and lived like angels when all the world was to be MINE. As each remaining moment flowed as speed bumps on an endless culdesac, I jostled to raise my eyes to see who stood there in my dying fame. All I could see was Love. The Love of my Family, my Dog and my God looking at me not in shame, misery or the hate I shared for them, but Love. Upon that final sight I would chew for eternity sharing my wages with those who loved their sin more than life itself.