Real of faked?  Was I able to do it without the aide, power, counsel or guidance of the Holy Spirit, then it was my own bidding.  How might I be powerful, when I have no power from the outset of the argument?  The further down this road of Christianity that I travel, the clearer it becomes that if I am trying then I am not doing in the Spirit.  Certainly, I may be lucky and do something of my own volition, skill or determination that is well intended to serve God’s Plan, but the blindingly, unavoidable fact remains that it was a spell of my own concoction.  Therefore, all my self-originated acts are by nature self-serving.  If I am to be a true witness for Christ then I will wait upon God for the direction and works that will most certainly come from God.

I struggle with loving the unlovable.  Therefore it is a thing that will only be overcome through Christ.  I cannot forgive my enemies and praying mercy for them is down right near impossible.  This is then the thing I should be praying to most about, for it is obviously the thing where the Spirit holds sway.  I cannot escape my fears of failure, inadequacy and my worldly identity lacks any angle upon which I may hang respect or honor.  Then these are the burdens I have been bid surrender to the Lord, the trappings of my flesh holding me tightly to my temporary position as a citizen of this world.  I cannot stop sinning no matter how hard I try, I continue to make the same old mistakes of lustful eyes, pride or flesh over and over again.  This is the real of Christianity, because without Christ I would never have ever been set free from any of this.  If I could have defeated sin at any point in my history or any distant time in the future then I never needed Christ in the first place.  Where I end, God Begins.

What then is to become of my playbook?  Shall I shred it?  Can I?  My actions are those of a new creation, born again, baptized in the fiery Spirit of the Lord my God.  If that is true and not a thing faked for identity’s sake then my actions ought be sponsored solely by the indwelling Spirit of God.  This is the struggle between the illusion of self defining structure and the absolute Truth of how God sees me.  Trying is for the dead man of my flesh, with God all things are victory and amen.  So, if you see me trying, you know that I continue to kick against the goads, failing to understand the newness of my creation.  Please be kind as my deception is obviously set deeply within this metallic conscience.  The Lord has overcome this world and everything in it.  I am in this world, I belong to God, case closed.  I am an action awaiting God’s timing, let patience do its work, leading to endurance and the hope that some day I will truly hand over the keys of my resistance to the Lord’s waiting hand.

Praise Jesus for his grace, mercy and patience with all the knuckleheaded Christians just like me.