Real of faked?  Was I able to do it without the aide, power, counsel or guidance of the Holy Spirit, then it was my own bidding.  How might I be powerful, when I have no power from the outset of the argument?  The further down this road of Christianity that I travel, the clearer it becomes that if I am trying then I am not doing in the Spirit.  Certainly, I may be lucky and do something of my own volition, skill or determination that is well intended to serve God’s Plan, but the blindingly, unavoidable fact remains that it was a spell of my own concoction.  Therefore, all my self-originated acts are by nature self-serving.  If I am to be a true witness for Christ then I will wait upon God for the direction and works that will most certainly come from God.

I struggle with loving the unlovable.  Therefore it is a thing that will only be overcome through Christ.  I cannot forgive my enemies and praying mercy for them is down right near impossible.  This is then the thing I should be praying to most about, for it is obviously the thing where the Spirit holds sway.  I cannot escape my fears of failure, inadequacy and my worldly identity lacks any angle upon which I may hang respect or honor.  Then these are the burdens I have been bid surrender to the Lord, the trappings of my flesh holding me tightly to my temporary position as a citizen of this world.  I cannot stop sinning no matter how hard I try, I continue to make the same old mistakes of lustful eyes, pride or flesh over and over again.  This is the real of Christianity, because without Christ I would never have ever been set free from any of this.  If I could have defeated sin at any point in my history or any distant time in the future then I never needed Christ in the first place.  Where I end, God Begins.

What then is to become of my playbook?  Shall I shred it?  Can I?  My actions are those of a new creation, born again, baptized in the fiery Spirit of the Lord my God.  If that is true and not a thing faked for identity’s sake then my actions ought be sponsored solely by the indwelling Spirit of God.  This is the struggle between the illusion of self defining structure and the absolute Truth of how God sees me.  Trying is for the dead man of my flesh, with God all things are victory and amen.  So, if you see me trying, you know that I continue to kick against the goads, failing to understand the newness of my creation.  Please be kind as my deception is obviously set deeply within this metallic conscience.  The Lord has overcome this world and everything in it.  I am in this world, I belong to God, case closed.  I am an action awaiting God’s timing, let patience do its work, leading to endurance and the hope that some day I will truly hand over the keys of my resistance to the Lord’s waiting hand.

Praise Jesus for his grace, mercy and patience with all the knuckleheaded Christians just like me.

Such a treasure to honor God with love for his children.  I am not the light but it sure does feel great when someone sees it reflected in my words, behavior or care.  Makes me wonder what the Lord Jesus is thinking of me right now, not that I expect he loves me any better, for it simply amazes me that he knows me at all.  Somehow, it feels good to obey him and the Word says that demonstrates my love.  That’s all I want him to know how much I love, respect and thank him.  It is not hard to love them Lord, I am very thankful that you allowed me see that in this lifetime.

What comes next is something beyond my imagination and trust mine is pretty active.  Walking through the veil of death seeing those loving arms and those fiery eyes will be enough, but I know that there is so much more.  Singing to the Father with a choir of millions, each of them loving God with all that they are.  Nothing, I repeat nothing will be better than that sound, except the time I spend with him.  Yes, I have loved here and for a moment or two I am certain I will have a bit of reflection, but honestly I am ready to get on with my real life, serving, loving and pleasing God.  Living with Christians without the constant upset and sadness of sin, even for a time, this will be the best thing that ever happened.

We aren’t alone, though the feeling constantly natters.  This world falling into disrepair, under the guidance of present fallen leadership, back is forward and up is down.  Desperately seeking to intercede for them who need more time or wisdom.  Father I wish that I loved them enough to offer my salvation in their stead.  I am proud of my Brother Paul, though I do hope you didn’t accept his offer.  I so look forward to meeting him and spending time chatting about how much we love you.

I am grateful that you have provided me the opportunity to share your Word with so many around the globe.  That is what should be global, not government, nor religion, nor commerce, but recognition and glory toward your name.  Lord allow me to reach every one that you have given for me to speak with, don’t let me lose a single one.  Prohibit my flesh from causing any difficulty that would inhibit my capacity to speak when you would have me declare and love when you would have me share my faith.  It’s all for You.  With Praise and Love, your son, me.  In Jesus’ Name.

As far as you have brought me Lord, these feet are still prone to slip.  Not wishing to wander, I keep my eyes on your lead, but somehow I always manage to lose focus in that fateful second and end up humiliating myself and bringing dishonor to you.  Further convinced that this sanctification upon which you’ve embarked is impossible through my own means.  For given leave I would befuddle all of  your Good Works for nothing but pride, objects and misunderstanding.  How do you ever forgive me Lord, as I have made the same mark with my head against the same wall ad infinitum.  Again I find myself bleeding from my bulging brow, wondering at your willingness to take on this obviously impossible task of preparing me for eternity.

I don’t wish to hurt, but still show the wounds of younger years, invoked by the same bullies, the same slander the same attacks upon my person.  When will I grow past this uncontrollable urge to take the bait of lesser men?  I should love them and understand their plight, forgiving, patiently retreating in wisdom.  Why does a tyrant so effect my reaction?  Shouldn’t I be able to control myself through the Spirit and quickly lead to peaceful resolution rather than retort, reaction or biting admonishment?  And when will I demonstrate that capacity of turning the cheek you’ve bid us represent?  I am sorry to have sinned against you Lord, by wishing or devising harm against another human.  Judgment is yours alone, my job is to love.  How could I so easily forget that fact in my self-righteous behavior?  Please forgive me and take this from me.  I obviously still suffer from those wounds of childhood that cause me to react from fear and desire to exhibit manly control that I lacked in youth.  Please heal me Lord so that my wounds do not effect others.  Let their own issues draw them into a relationship with you.

I am sickened to my stomach at what I am capable of doing to save a sliver of my pride.  Who cares what they think of me.  I have been impoverished and never cared.  I have been betrayed and recovered to reside in your counsel.  I have been struck wounds by loved ones and foreigners alike and still woke the next morn anew.  What is different this time that I would think I have to take control in order to make something turn out for the best, all the time knowing, that your will is always the perfect path to the greatest outcome?  What causes me to forget, what causes me into worldly response, what brings me back to those moments of fear and anger that may only be expressed in fleshly response?  Let me never venture there again Father.  Thank you for showing me the error of my thinking, believing myself further down the path of holiness and preparation.  Clearly, I am not ready.  It would amaze to realize that you considered me so.  I am sorry.  This much I know.  King Jesus I need you so desperately, my soul cries out for relief.

Don’t let me away from your loving grasp and your masterful working hands.  I cannot go one step of my own regard without terrible upset, failure and discouraging works, perpetrated on my own lust for power and judgment.  You alone are worthy of praise and you alone hold the rod of judgment and justice.  Forgive for standing in your presence Lord, if only to see your eyes and know that you still smile upon me, even in my pitiful state.  What a wretched man I am, without your Spirit of faithful righteousness to cover up my shame.  Take me away so that there is only your filling in reserve.  I can no longer stand the man I have tried to be and can never achieve.  I want to be God’s Man, your Son and demonstrate my love for you by reflecting your glory to this world.  Instead I bring nothing but grief to my Father’s eyes and ears.  It is beyond my capability.  If you don’t do it, it shall never be accomplished.  Upon your grace I attend.  I love you Lord, thank you for loving me, even now.  Amen