My own understanding got me to the wrong location, situation or standing in relationship.  My desire to control a spherical environment leads me to exercise undue influence, rules and regulations upon those whom I love.  My lack of control over the circumstances in my own life leads me to pressure those around me to keep their P’s and Q’s in order, thus vicariously making my life somehow more tolerable.  None of these statements puts God first, none allows me to try God’s way and see that it is always the best and none gives me time to trustfully sit at the feet of the Master.

Do I trust God enough to let go of this false perception of control.  Have I fully realized that it is a defense or coping mechanism that is somehow socially tolerated while all other addictions are frowned upon.  That is why I do it because no one calls me to accountability, except of course the people who have gravitated away from me over the years to save themselves the onslaught of my enforced standards.  My way doesn’t work.  Certainly I have the best of intentions but intentions don’t heal wounds, time, care and medicine close open sores.  It is time to trust God.  What does that mean, I don’t know, but it will absolutely produce a more significant result than my own dis-proven efficacy.  My will or His, my will or His?  Do you hear the mantra of the internal conflict of a man wanting desperately to allow God yet holding on to the last string of self actualization?

Did I develop my own purpose or are all my dreams grown from the programming He placed within my DNA from the outset?  We know the answer.  I have wanted to be what He made me to be yet it is unreachable simply through my own talent and acquisition.  Becoming what God intends takes God’s action in each of our lives.  It is not a thing of self as the enemy would have you convinced.  My free will calls me to volunteer to or deny Christ.  That is the power of choice, but once having been made there is a significant price to fighting against the yoke.  I no longer wish to pay that price.  I no longer wish to set standards of performance for those around me when all I really want is their love.  Lord, teach me to choose your path first and settle upon it never varying, walking away of straying even in the slightest from Your direction.  Let my steps be true and in line with Your growth plan for this life.  Let me love them enough to set them free from my own imposed bondage.

Thank you for once again showing me the next thing that You will work upon in my life.  It is painful but it is freedom.  I must first see my chains before they may be broken.  Thank God I am set free from all bondage and servitude to this world and sin.  Thank you Jesus.