Recalling, focusing and remembering where the Lord found me when I cried out.  There is no turning back regardless of mishap or mistake.  I am his for the duration and my faith, security, strength, hope and destiny lay in the Lord’s hands.  The only difference between me and the guy we refer to as lost is that I realize those simple facts.  I serve a sovereign God, who is free to change me, shape me or sit me on the bench if I refuse to follow the game plan.  I am only disposable if I make myself so by kicking against the goads of God’s harvesting.  I have embarrassed him, ignored him, forgotten him and begged his forgiveness more times than are measurable in one conversation, but still he looks at me with those loving eyes of a proud Father.  Especially when I’ve lost the game and figure he will give me nothing but shame, he lifts me up, dusts me off and puts me back in the game reminding me who I am and who I call my Father.

There is no other place for me.  I’ve been excluded, overlooked, mistreated, taken for granted, used up and called by so many pejorative phrases that I ran out of places to attempt acceptance.  I don’t fit in anywhere but in the shadow of God’s wings.  Sure there will be a group of people filled with the spirit who see me for what I am and love me regardless.  Those I call my Brothers and they don’t belong here either.  I refuse to be upset by my lack of popularity, because my sharp edges counter the slick, sultry, spineless tactics of the world.  I will never be able to impress them, nor hide from them, his light shines through my eyes.  So, I have to figure when things get hot and they start looking for sacrifices I will probably be offered up quickly.  Lord knows half of my blood family would sell me to the Ismaelites for a good bowl of porridge.  But thanks be to the Almighty God that whatever they plan for evil he will turn to good.  Not to serve my good pleasure or to somehow make fun of them for my edification, but because he loves them so much whatever he’s got planned will win their hearts for righteousness.  You see I cannot lose.  I get to play an important role as an unknown guy, representing a God that most would give everything to know and from which others run and hide.

But days like today make me think and I know that is what he wants.  That I should encounter circumstances, pain and opportunities which make me turn to him and say, “Lord I really messed this up, and there is no visible path to recovery”.  All the time I know that after the pain, shame and abandonment subsides he will show me something tomorrow I was incapable of seeing today.  This world provides the stimuli and the Holy Spirit guides and teaches based upon the roles we must play.  Sometimes I wish that I were easier to teach though, because it appears that he has to consistently develop new methods and levels of agony to get my limited attention.  Forgive me Father for being such a poor study.  I really am getting tired of my apparent inability to get even the slightest bit smarter/wiser.  He still believes in me which causes me to get up and try again, but this time, perhaps this time I will do it under his power, his strength, his patience and authority, so that something will be done right.  Lord let me succeed in doing what you need done, once.  Praise the name of the Almighty God, the Father of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.  The creator, sustainer and lover or all.  In Jesus name.